I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
