I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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