Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
