I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
