Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
