Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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