funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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