Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
