Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
