I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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