i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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