I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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