and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
