Hey man sorry I got all grabby
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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