I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
