upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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