Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
