he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
