You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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