mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
