Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
