I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
