I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
