Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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