My friends, they love my intelligence
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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