I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
two words: eviction party
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
