I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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