Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
