We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
