tonight lets celebrate not being married
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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