Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
