he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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