Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
