i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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