ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
