A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
