not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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