I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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