I feel like abortions should bother me more
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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