I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
