im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Your cock deserves a montage
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
