He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
