I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
