Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
you never un-have a 4some
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
