Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
