I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
