Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
