Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
