How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
