do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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