Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
